amy leeann

Today was full of intriguing converstations.

I wont do this often, but im going to elaborate on my day.

I work in a restuarant, which invites pretty shallow relationships between co-workers. We have enough time to vent or ramble about random meaningless things, but hardly much room for conversation of worth or of use. Today I was very impressed when I found myself engaging in a quite interesting conversation in the middle of Applebees with a manager I have only worked with for a few weeks, and a young co-host Latasha Iv’e worked with for a while that I seem to know nothing about. Raul overheard me extending an invitation to Latasha to come to church with me to a college group as it pertained to a semi-personal discussion we had began. This really was the extent of what he knew about us personally. I cant quite remember how the subjects we eventually approached came about, but mid conversation our manager looked at the two of us girls and said “Im so proud of you two. Im proud of the women you are, the things that you are doing for yourselves, and the things you are doing with your lives.” I initially was shocked to be hearing this from him. Not that it was unusual for someone to be proud of us for the things we had been conversing about, but for him to be so kind to say that he gunuinly was proud of us as people, not his associates. As my shock began to wear off I found it beautiful. Raul opened up to us tonight. The three of us ended up talking for a while, us listening to his religious views and how its effected his life, not in an extreamly deep way, but in a very personable manner. I was honored by the authenticity and blessed to have this experience. I feel as though im appreciated for the person I am there now rather than just how I contribute to the workplace. It was fulfilling. I need to remember to thank him for this.

This was only ONE of the interesting conversations I had today… im going to have to pick up in the morning; my most recent conversation needs to be processed into legible thoughts.

Honesty Vs. Discretion

Honesty according to the dictionary is describes as 1. the quality or act of being honest; uprightness or fairness 2. truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness 3. genuin or unadulterated.

So tell me, when does being frank interfere with the quality or act of being honest, and its it better to just say ”Some things are better left unsaid” or “honestys the best policy”? How the hell do you know what to say when the worlds telling you to be an honest person but to have discretion? People act as if having discretion is the proper thing to do while if your not honest, well these days, you have no creditability. I can honestly say, at this point in my life I’ve got no clue where honest words meet discrete intentions, or where honest intentions meet discrete words.

The cognizance of my past paralelling my present in two seperate worlds

 I dont know exactly why, but the last few days I’ve been consumed with thoughts of Ryan Gregory Galippo. I do know however that it intells quite a few things.

 For those of you who don’t know him, he is my Exboyfriend. Seperated about a year now. Him and I grew up together, and were together for some six years or so. Who knows what counts when you start out at 12. But long background short, he was my childhood soulmate.

 Why have I have I been fixated on my past with him the last few days you might ask? Well, like I said before, im not totally sure, but the first thought that poped into my head tuesday morning around 9:30am when my PA in the ER told me I had a ruptured ovarian cyst was Ryan. Strange right? I even thought so. But, Ryan had, well has, I assume, some disease [I honestly dont remember what its called. Im not sure I could even pronounce it then though]. Basically, it caused him to grow cysts or tumors all over. I remember holding his hand and where my thumb would lay was a growth, it scared me to death and I would kiss it everytime I touched it. I never told him that. Anyways, about 7 months ago I began developing cysts and tumors. I didn’t think much of it because my doctors never did. I never assumed it would be a problem, didnt think too much into it as I have constantly struggled with health problems and this was one thing just not on my list of worries. Obviously until now. Ryan was a worrier. He was a strong and understanding man, but he worried. I knew all his concerns and he knew exactly how he felt about all his circumstances. At the time, on june 10th 2006, I thought that I could understand him, the coherent thoughts he held on his situation. But man I was wronge. Even now, as I feel like my paths begin to slowly paralell his, I can barely grasp all he must have felt, and endured, and I think the thing my thoughts are most enamored with, is what I am to anticipate; which is as I remember, what Ryan was most fixated on as well.

 Ryan and I dont speak anymore. Who knows why. Honestly, sometimes I forget what happened between us. Ultimately though, the past few days I’ve grown an even greater respect for him. Im a person that will always appreciate memories, people, and the chance to learn. As I sat scared shitless in the hospital tuesday and the few days since then, I have learned quite a few lessons. Wheather he knows it or not, he helped me accomplish some of my thoughts, and not only am I grateful, but im proud of him, because I dont know how he did all this.

Eh I am what I am okay.

Im an optimistic girl living in a very pessimistic world that tries to change me everyday. I live to achieve better understanding with each day but am okay with defeat & compromise; while with knowledge comes understanding, and understanding takes time. I appreciate abstract over the substantial; thoughts, emotions, motives. I want to be moved into each moment of my life not through push but as an advocate of my actions. This said, please understand I dont expect to live my life perfectly, I already have obtained my share of regrets but I hold dear to them as lessons & as I said, will permitt defeat. But, let me say i will never be defeated. I will live on, a legacy in some ways, and as my own person.